Life's hang ups

last night I'm laying in bed, thinking about time travel.  It's a favorite subject of mine to think about in the philosphy sense.  "If I could travel back in time, who would I like to meet?, what would I bring with me (always a digital camera with plenty of memory cards and batteries ) ."  It's normally a light subject, that helps me fall asleep.  But sometimes inevitably it turns to my own timeline, my own life?  " What would I change in my own life if I could ? "  last night I was thinking " if I could tell my 9 yoa self anything, what would that be ?  Would it be lottery numbers? Who would win the Super Bowl ? Or something equivalent to become rich? Buy this stock or take this job?  Ironically I didn't pick any of those.  I chose something that just thinking about it, has changed or maybe more accurately shifted my thinking today. Which is what that kind of thinking should do.  Reflecting on ones life should be an exercise in how can I better my life now as it is.  Not just a relaxing exercise.  But I started think, I would tell 9 yoa Me with the bundle of comics tucked und his arm, the big blue eyes full of dreams , and the imagination brimming with wizards and kings, everything that happens from now on is nonsense, it's all bullshit! All the torment, bullying, teasing, all the humiliation that is going to start happening,  it's all irrelevant . It has nothing to do with you. It will feel like it, it will hurt like hell, sometimes.  But it's nonsense that in a the great scheme of your life is meaningless ! Don't let here losers affect the rest of your life !!  I sat up!  This is the advice I would give my 9 year old self, and yet,,,,  I don't follow it.  Having just turned 50 I've realized that I've allowed nonsense that happened 30. 40 yrs ago still affect me!  I've given power to people who probably don't even remember me!  I'm allowing my life to still be affected by this.   And it's all bullshit !  Nonsense !  Why am I letting this hold power over me.   It's weird to really think about and go in depth, honestly and with clarity!  I make it a strong habit to never lie to myself.  And yet upon reflection and without emotion , I think I see the answer ,,,,,, fear.  Fear has a way of creeping into our subconscious minds and hiding in the shadows of memory.  Fear is such a strong emotion, I'm sure it has saved countless lives . It has a purpose.  But it also hinders us, makes us too afraid to do things.  Sometimes it can so powerful that it controls our lives.  But no more for me.  My little 9 yoa has woken up!